Last night I got really sick. Really sick. I thought I might just die with my head in the toilet. Ugh. This morning I woke up with a massive headache. I felt better a little later on in the morning after I took some Excedrin. But still sick all day long.
Today I was really cranky... and so were the boys. Not a good combo. I really hope that Parker isn't getting sick. Conner was throwing up last week, so I guess I have whatever he had? Today Parker took a 3 hour nap, which he desperately needed, because he was SOOOO cranky this morning.
Now for the feelings... Not that I need to post my shortcomings online, but I am going to anyway. Maybe someone will feel like just as horrible a mom as I, and let me know so I don't feel so bad.
Anyway, lately I have been sooo much more aware of my sinful nature. I mean I have always known that I am a sinner, but I have always thought that I am a pretty good person. Well, lately I have realized that there really is no such thing as a pretty good person. Not to mention that lately I don't even feel like I am in that good person category I used to put myself in, if it existed. I don't know if this is all festering because I am sick or what... but tonight I am sad. I want so desperately for these two boys and Darin to know that I love them. That I would do anything for them. That my life has so much more meaning with them in it, and that they mean the world to me. However, in day to day life, I feel like I am just a failure of a mom in the love aspect. They are bathed, and in clean clothes everyday. They are where they need to be for different events that they need or want to be at. I take them fun places and I do fun things with them. All of this when I think about it = LOVE.... however I feel like sometimes my attitude suggests otherwise. Today was hard. I didn't feel good all day, and something was up with the boys too. I had told Conner yesterday (before the sickness set in) that I would take them to the zoo today after their nap. Well, it would have been wise for me to check on the zoo's website before promising that.... because the zoo closes at 5. Conner didn't wake up from his nap until 3:30 and the zoo is an hour away. Not to mention the fact that Parker didn't wake up until 4:45. So we will try again Friday. I really wanted to take them. Conner really wanted to go. It honestly broke my heart not to be able to keep my word to him. I really don't even know where I am going with all this. Just feeling really inadequate. I'm sure its this flu or whatever that is pushing me down in the dumps... But I just wanted to get it out. For all of the Internet to see.LOL... See, I am an inadequate mom.
This week in my bible study I was really convicted by Romans 13:8. I can't quote it word for word, but I will give you the general idea. It said something like have no debt, except the eternal debt of love for one another. I don't know why this verse hit me as it did, but it totally made me realize that I am not contributing in love to anyone the way that I would like to. The way that God intended, and I am definitely not displaying God's love through my life.
So, more than wanting someone to tell me that they are a horrible mom-:) I would really appreciate prayer. That God would soften my heart. That I would be able to have love freely flowing through me day in and day out. To everyone. Always.
Thank you.
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3 comments:
hugs sweetie...being a mom is hard. really hard. you are doing an amazing job and its quite evident in your two little boys. don't beat yourself up over the little stuff.
its just that. little stuff. just you being present and active in their life is gift and love enough.
they are lucky to have YOU as their mom! truly....
YOU, my dear duaghter, are just the perfect mom for conner and parker because GOD CHOSE YOU TO BE THEIR MOM!!! conner will understand that you were sick and was therefore unable to take him to the zoo. you will take them when you can. you try very hard to show your love for your "boys" (big and small) and even tho they might not understand fully, they KNOW you LOVE them very much. and it does show!!! i will be praying that tomorrow will be a better day!!! love you!!
wow...its great to know your heart on this stuff. it is so tough. i know you are doing great. just the fact that you are concerned about all of this is evidence of that.
there are way too many days that i go to bed and feel like i was an absolute failure with the girls. short on patience, poor use of tone of voice, whatever. like you said they are clean, fed, and carted around to their comittments...yet i missed opportunites to show them true love.
maybe we are just all way too busy?
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