7 years...

Today is the 7th anniversary of my moms death. The day actually went fine. I only cried once, and it wasn't about that. Maybe I will writing this blog though.lol.

I am so sad that Conner and Parker will not meet this grandma on this earth. I know my mom would have loved them so much. She would have cherished being their grandma and been so proud of my choice in husband. I wish my family had the chance to meet my mom. It is so weird to me that they've never even seen her. Never heard her voice. I don't really remember who I sent this blog link to, so many of you probably didn't know her either... But really she was very special. I miss her so much. I just wish that she got to see my children and my husband. Not to mention all the advice I have missed out on. There are so many things that "I wish." But most of all just for my family to love her the way i did... and unfortunatly I know that will never happen, because it is hard to love someone that deeply when you never even met them. It does not seem like 7 years have gone by, as I can clearly remember that night that she died. I can clearly remember the unbearable pain that followed that I NEVER thought I would get through, and I still don't know how I did. I remember when she was sick praying and praying, always thinking that somehow she would get through it. I knew that she might die, and I think I knew that she probably would die, but it was so hard to wrap my brain around her death. Strangely it still is, 7 years later I still pick up the phone to call her. I still think sometimes think I will tell her something, and then realize I can't. It is the strangest feeling.

Darin has said and I know it is true that part of the result of my moms death is Darin and I's marriage. I know that sounds strange, but if my mom never died I would not have lived with Debbie and Craig (who I honestly give credit to my and Darin's relationship- without them I would have never seen first hand a wonderful marriage with love and trust and true commitment- at least one that I chose to learn from). I also probably never would have moved down south. I am not saying that I am glad my mom died- obviously... but God does work good out of every bad situation. Fortunatly I get to see and live some of the good that he worked out of this tragic situation.

I know I can't... but if I could go back...there are so many things I would go back and change... both before she died and after.... But now all I can do is live a life that is pleasing to God, and if I do that, I know my mom would be proud of me. I sometimes just wish she could have been alive to see me make the changes in my life that she prayed for day in and day out. I wish she could see my wonderful husband who is probably more than what she prayed for, and my children who already seem to love the Lord in a childlike faith (the best faith of all). If she could see them ask me to pray. Parker folding his hands while Conner thanks God for everything he can think of, and then when he's done Conner saying "Amen" and Parker saying "Men." I know that I am soooo lucky for the 20 years I got to spend with her... but sometimes I can't help but feel cheated. I know I am not. I had a wonderful mother, and in 20 years she must have done what most moms need a lifetime to do. I love you mom... I think of you and miss you everyday and always will. Thank you for never giving up on me and keeping me in your prayers until the day you died... I am just sure that you are up their talking to God about me now.

Yeah... and I did cry while typing this- surprise surprise!

On a different subject...

The other day I had a really bad headache and Conner was doing something that was irritating my headache and I said, "Conner, please stop. Mommy's head hurts really bad." He was sitting on the toilet and the time. Anyway, he looked at me and then closed his eyes and said "God thank you for gonna make Mommy's head feel better. Amen." Isn't that so sweet?! What a precious boy!